Saturday, October 9, 2010

Facebook Deactivation

Dear Facebook Friends,

There comes a time when one must admit she has an addiction that is interfering with her life. No, I’m not talking about beer! Why would you think that? Besides, it’s not like I don’t know I’m an alcoholic, but I fear that if I admit to it, I’ll have to stop drinking. No, I’m talking about a waaaaay more insidious drug.


For a long time, I was able to keep my facebook use at a recreational level. I grabbed a cup of tea in the morning, logged onto my account, typed my Deep Thought of the Day on the status line, and generally saw what the hell everyone else was up to. Then at night, I logged on to read the abusive comments left on my page that day. But about a month ago, my facebook use started to spiral out of control. No longer was I using in the morning and at night, but during midday as well. 10am, 12noon, 2 pm! And I really don’t know why! There’s never a red flag flying over my message icon and, because people have FUCKING LIVES, there’s never anything new in the Newsfeed section.

About two weeks ago, for one reason or another, my habit became a full blown addiction. I started to check facebook incessantly. INCESSANTLY. And incessantly checking facebook isn’t hard to do considering I spend all day, everyday, writing on a computer! Swear to God, I’m like Tiger Woods and Facebook is a pair of nearby boobs. How can I resist?

Unfortunately, along with my out of control use, came a bevy of mixed emotions. I started to get really depressed when I saw no red flags flying above my message icon, and then really pissed off when people didn’t comment on my status within three seconds. Because, of course, by then, I had already checked for comments two times. Then I started to get downright resentful whenever a good status was met with little fanfare. Take the other day, for example. I only received three thumbs up for my observation on the female hormone oxytocin and dammit! THAT status deserved more appreciation.

Two weeks ago, starting on a Thursday, I spent three days on Facebook. THREE FUCKING DAYS! During the weekend, I didn’t go anywhere and I didn’t speak to anyone, because I was on Facebook. Well, I did play poker one night and I went to a bar the next, and I did speak some, but the point is that when I was not doing any of that, I was on Facebook. In fact, the only thing I accomplished that weekend was putting together a photo album entitled ‘All the Shit I Didn’t do this Week’ BECAUSE I was on Facebook! And while the photo album was certainly brilliant and fascinating, I’m not entirely convinced that was the best use of my time.

Last week, I became an all out junkie when I added a new drug into the mix. That’s right! An iPhone! Which I totally regret buying but I can’t give back for 2 years unless I cough up a $275 cancellation fee! Now, not only do I incessantly check my iPhone for texts and messages that never come, leaving me an emotional wreck, BUT, guess what is on the iPhone? That’s right! A Facebook icon! I've got Facebook Mobile! Christ! It’s like someone permanently hooked me up to a morphine IV and left me in charge of administering my own dosage! What!? I can get facebook ALL THE TIME, ANY TIME! In a car, in a bar, at a fair, here and there, I can now get facebook ANYWHERE! Even worse, the iPhone rings whenever someone leaves a comment, and being the facebook crackwhore that I am, I’m forced to immediately pull over and check it. And then I get really pissed off when I discover that the comment isn’t even for me, but was left under someone else’s status that I had previously commented on.

Do you know why there was such a time lag in between my last two stories? Because I was on Facebook, that’s why! Not that you would know that’s where I was since, like any good addict, I make sure to hide my problem by going OFFLINE! So nobody can see what a fucking loser I am! There’s no food in the house, I’m surrounded by beer bottles, I’ve got four half written stories on hold AND, I’m not making this up, the dog I didn’t even realize was missing just barked at me from the other side of the gate to let her in! I don’t know how she got out and I have no idea how long she was gone for! Because I was on Facebook! SERIOUSLY! That just happened!

My addiction has gotten to the point where I can’t even walk by my desktop computer without stopping and clicking! Take last night, for example, when I finally, at last, hit


I was sitting on my back patio, HP laptop computer in my lap, logged onto Facebook. All evening, every two seconds, I kept logging onto the infernal site to check for a message I wanted to receive but which never came and to read a message that I didn’t want to receive but which came anyway. At one point, I placed my HP laptop on the patio table, walked into the kitchen to get a beer, and then I actually stopped in front of the Mac desktop computer on my desk and fucking LOGGED ONTO FACEBOOK!

In short, I’m deactivating my Facebook account. I’d like to say that I’m capable of leaving my account activated and strong enough to just not LOG IN, but I’m waaay too far gone. That’s like leaving a beer in my fridge and telling me not to drink it. Ain’t ever gonna happen.

So here’s my recovery plan. I’m going to wait 24 hours to allow time for people to actually read this message, so when they see that my account is deactivated, they won’t think I’m dead. Plus, that should allow plenty of time for you all to bid me farewell and tell me how much you’re going to miss me. Then, on Sunday night, maybe Monday morning, I shall permanently log off.

I shall then pick up the pieces of my broken heart and move on. I shall bury myself in some other mindless occupation until I’ve learned to adjust to a world without Facebook. I figure that should take a week, maybe two, no more than three. Because four weeks would be out of the question.

Unless, of course, I finish writing my next story before then. If that’s the case, I’ll reactivate the account, post on my status bar, and then immediately deactivate the account.

Wish me luck that I come out clean on the other side.

Oh, and if someone could start taking up a collection so I can kick my iPhone habit as well, I’d appreciate it.

Your Facebook Friend,



shortlist said...

if your blog had a DISLIKE button, i'd use it. not because of your writing but because of the content.
if nothing else, i would think you would stay on the FB just so you can keep up with my eventful and well posted life.

woman of a certain age said...

Calling bullshit on this one. What would you do without the feedback to your train of thought? What would we all do without your train of thought? Your twisted mind is what I love about you most. So there.

jinkxchick said...

I just thought you defriended me on facebook! Before I jumped off the cliff I saw your blog and it all made sense. My two cents....DOn't log off. I love your comments they have me laughing all day long. We all have our addictions ;)

joe said...

Facebook blows and now it blows even more...


Funny, my verification word to post this comment is dushi. Facebook is Douchee!

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